Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard.
Despite being close to the show.
When she got there
The cupboard should have been bare
Since she has trouble with “NO”.
Here’s a recap of the competition from yesterday.
The competition was an hour away from my house (w/o traffic) in Hollywood so I had decided I’d drive down in the morning which meant I got a good nights sleep in my own bed. I got up at 6 am put on another coat of tan because I looked more like child who had been playing in the mud under a sprinkler than a “glamourous” figure competitor. After the tan I put on my face and Brent took a few pictures before I headed out to pick up my friend Martha.
We get to to the high school where the show was being held and walk into the “athlete’s meeting”. Which I get a kick out of because I’ve never considered myself an “athelete”. I’m just a girl who is obsessed with nutrition and likes to workout hard. Right away, I notice that it was a much younger crowd than my last competition. It’s not that I’m old but 31 and two kids definitely feels different than 20 and no kids when I am about to go onstage in a bikini.
After the meeting, I go backstage to find a space in the dressing room. Good thing this is a small show because the dressing room is the size of a closet. I start wishing I had a brown paper bag in case I hyperventilate. The men check in first and then the women move out to the lobby to check in. I notice this one beautiful girl who is walking around with her shirt held up with a hair clip to show her GODDESS abs. Seriously. I have NEVER seen abs like that on a woman. Miss Abs was also naturally tan, tall, with long exotic dark hair. I’m sitting there feeling like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man’s sister and praying that she isn’t in my class. The check-in lady calls for the novice figure women and Miss Abs stands up. I mutter something like “Oh %$#&” and immediately start wishing I had stayed out of the peanut butter jar and did a little more cardio. The peanut butter just didn’t’ seem worth it standing next to Miss Abs. As she is paying I look down and notice her fancy iphone has picture of herself as the screensaver. Normally, I’d roll my eyes at such sillyness but in the moment I’m thinking I’d do the same thing if my tummy looked that good. In fact, I’d probably put a billboard of myself in my front yard if I had abs like hers. Damn peanut butter.
So I go back to finish getting ready because of the heat my face looks like my 6 year old did my make up while I was sleeping. Let’s just say I’m a little white (or fair as I call it) and getting to my face to match my body and then stay that way is like trying to freeze a chocolate bar in a hot car.
This is a drug tested competition which means I have to pay $60 to pee in cup. The girl gives me the cup and looks at me as if I’m supposed to squat right there in the middle of the dressing room. Motioning to the one room bathroom I ask, “Can I go in there?”.
“Sure but I have to watch?”, she replies.
What??? She has to watch. Give me a break. I don’t even go to the bathroom in front on my husband and I’ve had very little water the past 12 hours. I sit there and try act like this is no big deal by making stupid jokes. After 5 or 6 minutes I’m running out small talk and realize God is not going to answer my prayer the way I want. I let her know I just can’t. “We’ll get it later,” she says. Yipppeeee can’t wait.
As I said this is a small show so it’s moving really fast and before I know it I’m waiting in the wings of the stage to go on. I’m doing my best to remind myself that I did this to LOSE but seeing the young tight girl next to me is making me feel like Old Mother Hubbard who went to the cupboard too many times. But the cupboard wasn’t bare. In fact, the cupboard had Costco size jars of peanut butter. They call my number and for a minute I think maybe I really am an “athlete” as I imagine sprinting through the auditorium in 5 inch heels. I survive going onstage although I’m smiling at the judges as if they are holding loaded guns instead of score cards. Now we have a 3 hour break until the night show.
The really nice thing about this show is the location. Not only is it relatively close to my house but it’s on the corner of Melrose and Fairfax which means Urban Outfitters (Yes I’m 31 and still shop at UO) and a bunch of other fun little stores are within walking distance. And since it’s Hollywood I don’t feel like freak with my orange runny “tan”, in fact, I feel like I fit in even more. Martha and I go to Crossroads Trading Company. It’s a buy-and-sell-used-clothing store and every time I go I find something cute and cheap. This time it was a pair of Joe’s Jeans in a size 26 (no stretch mind you) for $30. They were a tight 26 but after walking on the stage next to “I’m 20 with the prefect body” they were just what I needed to give the ego a lift.
After some shopping and pizza we walked back to the high school for the evening show where they hand out the awards. I’ve drank big glass of green tea so I manage to serve up the urine sample with a side sarcasm. I seriously considered leaving but decided against mainly because I’ve spent much of my life starting things and not following through. It’s a pattern I’ve been working really hard to break so I go back to feel like Old Mother Hubbard one more time.
Right before I walk on stage it occurs to me that this is so not me. I love to dress up just as much as any girl. I love to feel beautiful just as much as any girl. But figure competitions are just not my idea of beauty and glamour. Not that they aren’t glamourous and beautiful in their own right but unlike a lot of girls nothing about the look but the muscle appeals to me. I have always loved old school retro glamour. Fair skin, red lips, elegant dresses, and classic hair. That’s the style I’ve always gravitated towards (aside from my one year as a cheerleader in high school) when I want to feel beautiful. In that brief moment, I don’t think I have ever felt more like I was somebody else in my fake tan, tiny bikini, stripper heels, and over the top make-up. It was surreal and I started to ask myself some questions but before I could get into my deep nonsense about why I was doing this they called my number. While I was onstage I suddenly felt a strong sense of peace and okay with who I was despite having logs instead of legs. I looked for my friend so I could give her a smile and I smiled a real smile at the judges. They lined us up and started to give hand out placings. I was fully expecting to hear my number first which means I would have received 4th or last place. When they called Miss Ab’s (The pictures do NOT do her justice.) number I was really shocked. Then they called my number for 3rd. The girl in the green was 2nd. The girl in the pink was first. (She was totally adorable btw and very much deserved 1st.)
My friend and I decided we would leave early so I rush backstage eager to put on my new jeans. I hike them up over my thighs and button them pleased as pie to be wearing a size smaller than before. Then I squat down to pick something up off the floor and RIIIIIIIP. No joke. My new ego inflating jeans just deflated my ego like someone letting go of an unknotted balloon filled with air. I don’t know wether to laugh or cry. I decide to choose laughter because there is SO MUCH more to life than the size of the my jeans. Besides who needs those stupid old Joe’s Jeans when I have The Braxtons.
So how do I really feel about my placing? You know of course I would have enjoyed winning. Who doesn’t? I was also a little relieved not be be last but I also sort of feel like I should have been. I thought Miss Abs looked really great and could tell she had worked hard. Had I been a judge I think I would have placed me last. The thing is, it really doesn’t matter all that much to me. It never has been about winning for me. When I say I enjoy the preparation more than the show I mean it. When I say do this to lose I mean it. I didn’t reach 115 but 119 feels so much better than 126 to me. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again I grow and learn from the preparation. I didn’t give this contest preparation a 100% and that’s not good. Not because of how I placed but because I ultimately believe in good work ethic, following through 100%, and doing what you say you will do. Had I won it would have re-enforced my half-azz tendencies. I’m going to hang my third place plaque in my garage right under my first place plaque NOT to remind me that 100% effort will get you a first but that a 100% effort is so much more satisfying than 90% regardless of the outcome.
So what’s next? Well I was delighted to step on the scale this morning and see 119 so I should probably work on getting over the scale. But I digress and I still want to reach my goal of 115. Honestly, I’m not sure why. It’s just the number I’ve had in my head as my “perfect” weight which is total crap because perfect is relative and happiness is certainly not found in the bathroom on my scale. Regardless, I want to follow through and reach my goal even if it didn’t happen on my competition day. My birthday is 2 months way so that gives me 8 full weeks to lose 4 pounds and buy a pair of size 26 jeans for my present!!! Totally doable and healthy. Although I’m tempted, I’m not going to do any more shows for a while because I think I should practice managing my food and exercise better for my family, myself, and for God. I want to face some of my struggles with food (binging) head on for no other reason than it’s the healthy thing to do. I’ve been wanting to learn how to use kettlebells so I’m going to start incorporating those as well. I’m going to finally buckle down and get my personal training certification instead of talking about it. I’m going to focus more effort on my taekwondo because at my last testing I got some good feedback from my instructor and one of the guest judges. I think it might be more in line with my natural strengths (flexibility and speed) not to mention I’m more comfortable in my uniform than a bikini!
Last but not least, I’ve been working on some changes for this site. I’m SO EXCITED and I hope that these new changes will encourage and inspire more women to “change the world by choosing health”. (Yes, I dream big!) So stayed tuned to be a part of the mission!!
Once again THANK YOU so much for the support (and making it to the end of this long post). I’m grateful for your readership and want you to know how much YOU inspire me.
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