I’ve Lost Now I Compete
Wanted to say hi before my competition tomorrow. Unlike my first show, it’s been a really chill day. Seriously, I’ve been so laid back. It’s nice for a change. Cuddled with hubby before I got up and had breakfast. The I spent the day painting on my tan, managed to throw in a few errands, and my kids and I practiced taekwondo for bit.. I’m pretty much sick of plain egg whites, chicken, and asparagus which is all I’ve been eating for the last 2 days.
Well…I did have a few spoonfuls of peanut butter. I’m incorrigible. I’m really looking forward to my treats tomorrow: dried mango, raw mixed nuts, blueberry flax granola, a Cliff bar (the closest I get to a cookie since I’m former sugar addict), and almond butter. I won’t eat it all. Yeah right!
I have a post show plan set in place. Going to enjoy a fun meal with my friend tomorrow night and another with my family the next. Then it’s back to the star chart plan with one fun food day a week. By sticking to this I know I’ll be able to maintain.
The last 12 weeks have been very up and down. But that’s pretty much life. When I start I have all the motivation in the world. Then a few days or weeks later I’m doing good not to drive through every drive-thru from here to Los Angeles. Then a wave of motivation hits and I’m convinced I’ll be an American Gladiator. Then life gets busy and I have trouble finding time to brush my teeth much less get a decent workout in. Then….and so on…..
I wish I could say I feel amazing and can’t wait to get on the stage tomorrow. But the truth is I’m slightly disappointed in my on-and-off-again discipline because I didn’t quite reach the goals I set for myself. Had I been on my plan 100% or even 95% I would be feeling more confident. It’s not about winning or losing, it’s about being true to your word to yourself. I believe when you set out to do something you should give it 100% but believing and doing are two different things. I’m not complaining and I’m not fishing for compliments…just being real. Every choice I made was just that a choice I made. I don’t blame anyone. It was my choice to give 90%. Perhaps at this point of my life that was my 100%. But if I’m honest with myself, the small voice tells I could have been a little more disciplined and pushed a little harder.
It’s a journey.
And I’m choosing not to forget where I came from. I used to be the girl who hid candy in my glove box. Or the girl who was forever going to start exercising tomorrow. Or the girl who could eat a pint of ice cream as if it was only a tablespoon. Or the girl that cried because none of my clothes fit. I’m not that girl anymore, even if I didn’t commit 100%. For that I am grateful. I still can’t believe I’m at a place where I can wear on of those silly bikinis, fake some confidence, and walk on a stage to be judged like a terrier. For years I dreamt about getting my body back after my kids but I’ve never imagined I’d do something like this!!!
I’m also grateful more than I can say for your encouragement and support. So many times I was exhausted while working out alone in my dusty garage and wanted to quit. But then I would think of you and the emails I’ve received. I would think of the struggles you’ve shared with me and I would feel like I could run one more minute or get one more rep out. This silly little blog cannot express my gratitude for the inspiration YOU have been to me.