I almost punched her in the face.
Who? You’ll have to keep reading.
I worked up the courage to step on the scale yesterday morning. I had gained 3 pounds. As I said the other day, under “normal circumstances” this would be okay. No big deal. But with the competition coming up it is a big deal. My body fat is or WAS around 14-15% and the lower your body fat % the more you are going to see 3 pounds. I’m already a little nervous about how much fat is going to show under the stage lights. But clearly not nervous enough, seeing, I couldn’t keep myself from chomping on bagels while on vacation last week.
Anyway. I started to feel really down. I had originally planned on competing in October but decided to put it off another few weeks so I could lean down a little slower at what I considered to be a more reasonable pace. Now here I am in the same boat. Realizing this Garbage Girl took the opportunity to make me feel worse. Garbage Girl is my negative self talk and she loves nothing more than for me to feel bad about myself. Garbage Girl said I should quit. She called me a fool to think I could ever do this. She told me I’ll never be able to finish anything because I’m a quitter. She lied and said I was fat. I wanted to punch Garbage Girl in the face (and she thought that would be swell) but I decided it would hurt. So instead, I whined to a friend through email. My friend is competing in the show with me and knows a little too much about my eating habits. This was her response.
“We are NOT quitting. Suck it up and get moving. Tough love day. You have lost and you will continue to lose. It’s not about the judges or anyone else. It’s about a journey. So let’s kill these last 4 weeks with NO what if’s. Ok?”
I love it. Seriously. She put Garbage Girl in her place. You know what else I love, having good friends. Friends who remind you of who you are, who you want to be and, just as important, from where you have come. Friends who care enough about you to be honest without being hurtful. My friend reminded me of a number of things in this short little email. One, I want to change my habit of quitting things as soon as they get rough. Two, I have come a long way. I just have to look at my pictures. I have done what I set out to do…LOSE! And more importantly, I’ve had a mental overhaul. It’s been months since I’ve had a day where I couldn’t get out of bed because I was too depressed. Lastly, she reminded me that it’s the journey not the destination that matters. Something I really believe strongly in but Garbage Girl was yapping too loud for me to remember it.
Destinations can be fun and often rewarding but if we are only thinking of the reaching the destination we can miss the journey along the way. This includes reaching a specific weight on Evil Scale. There is a lot more to losing weight then numbers. It’s really more about losing old habits and thought patterns that keep us stuck. It’s important to learn about why we ended up where we are so we can look for the signs and have tools to cope when they appear. If we are so focused on the numbers and the cardio and the weights and the food…but unable to internalize the journey of how we got there…then I think we’ve missed out. And our chances of maintaining our health are lower. It’s easy to know what to do…but how to pass on cake at your co-workers going away party is a little more difficult. These are the things we learn on the journey.
This concept goes beyond weight loss. If we miss the journey then we’ve missed out on a lot of important lessons, opportunities to grow, chances to explore, relationships and well…life. I really believe life is about the journey and not the destination. If it was about the destination then why were we even born. Unless of course you think we are here by chance, in that case, I respect your opinion but it’s not mine. I think we all have a purpose and our purpose is not found in the destination it’s found in the journey. It’s taken me a while to internalize this and still I find myself wanting to define myself by my accomplishments or want to accomplish more in an attempt to define myself. But when Garbage Girl shuts up, which is rare, who I am is enough. A voyager made by God. This is a wonderful place to be and for a moment my friend helped me remember this and internalize it a little more.
Someday it will stick. I hope.