“I’m on vacation.”
That’s how I justified my choices last week. Under normal circumstances that would perfectly appropriate excuse to enjoy a bit of controlled splurging. But trying to get small and tight enough where I can walk on stage in 4 weeks wearing a sparkly velvet bikini without looking like I had jello implants put in my buttocks is NOT normal circumstances. Come to think of it, there is nothing normal about it.
So I packed my chicken, my vitamins, buffalo burgers, green beans, and we hit the road. During our 8 hour drive, I munched on snow peas while my family ate pretzels. I sipped my water. I did sit-ups and pushups at every rest stop. Not really. We arrived and my grammy had stocked up for the week with green beans, asparagus, chicken, salad, tuna, oatmeal, eggs, brown rice,…ect. Everything I needed to stick to my plan. But what did I end up eating. Bagels. And cashews. And graham crackers. And pizza. Yep. Now mind you I don’t consider this a major binge given my bulimic past. I ate 1 piece of pizza. A few (x-tra large) handfuls of cashews. Six or so graham crackers. And more bagels than I’m willing to admit. Some of these I ate in place of my oatmeal or brown rice so I would feel like I was sticking to the plan. And this was all spread out over 5 days.
So what’s the big deal?!
Problem is I have this little competition coming up in FOUR weeks and these foods are not on my current plan. And this close to comp, it makes a difference. I was supposed to drop a pound or two this week to meet my competition goal. I haven’t weight myself yet. I’m too afraid. But there is good news. I DON’T FEEL FAT. This, my friends, is progress. At least it’s mental progress for someone who has body dysmorphia tendencies. And I take full responsibility for my choices. This too is progress. In the past I would have blamed my husband for bringing home a baker’s dozen of fresh baked bagels from the local Jewish deli and sitting them on the counter right in front of my face as he slathered them with freshly whipped cream cheese. So when I walk across the stage and feel my behind jiggling can remind myself of how much mental progress I’ve made and hopefully that will make it all better. Yeaaah right.
I’m not sure where my will-power went. I think she was in a carb induced coma. But she’s back today. And she better stick around for the next 26 days.