I feel like I’m wobbling on the edge of losing all self-control. I’m not thinking about dying my hair blond and leaving my family in search of Elvis. It’s food. Once again I’m struggling to not be controlled by food. Will this fight ever end? Probably not. At least, as long as I live in a culture where people’s weight gain keeps up with our national debt.
I feel like I’m losing sight of my goals. I’m forgetting to care for The Abbeys. I’m forgetting how depressing it is to not fit into my jeans. I’m forgetting how GREAT it feels to have self-control. It started off with too much peanut butter. Then a trip to the mountains which is so easily turns into the “I’m on vacation. It’s only a few days.” mentality. And there are some personal things going on right now that are causing a great deal of stress and worry. I can make excuses or make better choices. I am no longer the person who lets my emotions control what goes in my mouth. At least I’m trying not to be. I’m going to be honest it’s not easy. This is a letter of forgiveness to myself.
Dear Me,
I forgive for your lack of self-control. I forgive you for seeking comfort from food despite knowing the disappoint you will feel as soon as you swallow that last bite. I will forgive you for seeking instant gratification through a plate of nachos. I forgive you for your short sightedness. For failing to see the big picture and instead only seeking to fulfill your desires of the moment. I will do my best to see you in light of your purpose and potential given to you by God and I will nourish you accordingly. I will nourish you not because you want to stay in your “skinny” jeans (well maybe a little) but because I care about your mental and spiritual well being.
Your friend,
Me
Okay so that was a little wierd. Well…I bet you’re a little weird too. 
We all are and it’s cool…super cool.
xoxo
j
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Thank you so much. I really needed to read this today.
I’ve been so close to goal (a few years back) and I’ve let myself go. I feel as though I have no drive to get any where near where I was before. I have the desire, but desire alone is not going to do it for me! There are many that will say, “life is ‘this’ for you, life is ‘that’ for you”…. but I just think they are excuses.
Thanks again!
Concerned after reading this post. Maybe you’re being to hard on yourself to be perfect. I too struggle with this. I’m very Black or White. Lately I have been trying to find a shade of grey to live in and have been a whole lot happier! This also includes the way I choose to eat now. It gives me so much more freedom. I do need structure,but now I have built in things I enjoy into it. Please feel free to email me if you just wanna chat:)
Tammy – Hi there. I think we each need to find out where we are comfortable. I know I’m happier when I’m eating right. Junk food makes me feel like well junk. The “sacrifice” of passing up junk food is worth it to me.
Tracey – Thank you for your concern that is so thoughtful and sweet. I didn’t mean for my post to come across as as a cause for worry. I was actually hoping it was sort of funny! But more importantly my intent is to encourage other who have fallen off the wagon. That it’s okay to forgiven yourself without giving up.
I do tend to be really hard on myself which is why I try to forgive myself for my slip ups. I’ve gained 4 pounds in two weeks and it’s not PMS!!! 
I know if I don’t put a stop to it 4 pounds will be 5 then 5 will be 6 then…you get the point. I didn’t feel good about myself when I let my health spin out of control before and my reality is I can’t eat whatever I want to stay lean which is why I take free/sane meals. But I can’t take one everyday…unfortunately…ha!!! But I don’t want to beat myself up for gaining a few so I’m choosing to forgive myself and get back on track. You’re awesome thanks again for being concerned.
Awe,you’re most welcome! We all need support. Your email to me,helped me immensely!
We’ll be in touch! Keep the great posts coming!
jennicat… just so you know you are an inspiration to me! Its easy for people to say ‘go easy on yourself’ when fact is if you aren’t hard on your self.. no one else will be. It is YOU that controls YOU and if YOU don’t keep YOU in check things could start to go down hill in a hurry.
Nice thing is… you realize that. You know what it takes to get there, be there and stay at that “i like my reflection” stage. Sad thing is our bodies get to that I WANT WHAT I WANT stage and it takes all the willpower we have to fight it.
Be strong chick! Step back take a breath, pick yourself up and let your mind get a hold of your belly and cravings and get back at it.
Peanut butter is the devil, I have to limit myself to a tablespoon at a time.. and even at that I feel badly. I pair it with a gala apple and try to limit how much I actually intake.
As I read your post I too felt concern for you, but I also felt tons of empathy. I fight that battle everyday, and I really have to get a grip to not eat what I want and what I crave.
I keep a picture loaded on my computer of what 130 looks like, and it helps motivate me. Not to mention looking at your page what YOU look like!!
Chin up butter-cup.. You have that strength in you, don’t let the ‘fat girl’ in you win!!!
Great, honest post
Totally get the 3, then 4, then a whole news pants size …
I love you Jenn! I love your honesty, I love your weirdness and I love your determination. YOu totally encourage me.
Okay…well I have to ask: Did you look into that book yet? Love to Eat, Hate to Eat? Girl…I think this could really help you with the battle to fight the addiction to food.
ON another note…I’m not happy that you are feeling ‘under’…but it’s refreshing to know that you are HUMAN, and normal human emotions/addictions are NOT unusual, and they ARE capable of being conquered. That is what you are doing right now.
I don’t know…maybe in 10 years, after ups/downs….you will have it mastered. You will post a blog called “Food Didn’t Win Me Over”…….seriously, your journey is reaching MANY people, and the struggles, hills, plateaus are ALL something to rejoice in.
Just keep up the hard work….even if hard work means mentally saying “tomorrow is a new day”!
Hi Steph. No I haven’t read it yet. It will probably be a bit since I’m in the middle of at least 3 books right now. It is on my Amazon wish list and I will get around to it though.
Thank you for the kinds words and encouragement! I started my blog with one goal in mind which was to encourage other women in their own health journeys. Funny thing is I end up being encourage by YOU and so many other women!! Thank you!!!
[...] for each problem so when they come up you are prepared to forge ahead. Don’t forget to include forgiveness as part of your strategy. Too many people fall off the wagon and decide they will wait until next [...]