Hard to Balance
This morning I lay in bed wondering about the state of my immune system and pancreas.
That’s what most people think about upon waking, no?
Since moving into an RV and hitting the road many things have changed. I wake up to different surrounding almost every day. I have a small refrigerator. I have about a foot of space between my bed and my closet. I drive a truck. I don’t shop at the same stores every week.
I eat sugar.
White refined sugar.
The sugar I avoided for over 3 years and thought I would avoid for the rest of my life.
It started with the Boys Scouts. The Boy Scouts…who would have thought? Who would have thought their Chocolate Lovers Popcorn would taste so good. I passed off the popcorn as a “super special” occasion. I mean my Boy Scouts only sells popcorn once a year.
Next it was Halloween. I have no clue as to why but on my way by the candy dish I ate a mini Snickers. It was the first piece of real candy I had had since December 2007. Again. I decided, it was just one. Then a few hours later I had some Raisinets. Of all things.
I did some thinking the next few days and decided I was going to try and eat sugar “in moderation” like a “normal” person.
The problem is I don’t respond to sugar like a normal person. I respond like a drug addict. Cravings, eating in secret, hiding evidence, and eating it despite feeling horrible. I’ve not had a full blown binge but I have been eating multiple servings throughout the day, pumpkin pie with breakfast, a cookie after lunch, and ice cream after dinner. I need a sugar drip line straight into the blood stream.
There is no balancing act for me.
I’m not proud.
It’s been showing on my waist but believe it or not that is not what bothers me the most. I’m bothered because I feel out of control. I’m bothered because I eat it despite waking up every night with pain in my stomach. I’m bothered because sugar is hard on the body. I’m bothered because I’m supporting an industry that I am AGAINST. What we eat is sooooo much more than the size of our pants. Even if I wasn’t an addict I would still have issues with refined sugar as I do with pasteurized milk and factory farms. Food is politics. Food is ethics. Food is freedom.
And I am no longer free.
I’ve wondered about the truth of my sugar addiction from time to time. Is it real? Am I really an addict? If so, you don’t give an addict their drug of choice in moderation. We don’t tell people to shoot heroin in moderation. We don’t tell alcoholics to drink in moderation. But it’s just sugar….
Just sugar.
My body responds to sugar like a fiend.
Based on my feelings and actions I’m convinced what I hoped wasn’t true is true.
This has been one heck of a reality check. I’m not mad at myself. I’m not invincible. I don’t have the iron will I thought I had and I’m entirely not sure how much “will” plays a part.
I’m human.
I have much more to say about this and I have two more workouts, Arizona and New Mexico, to share very soon but for now I’ll leave you with this.
Hi my name is Jenn and I’m a sugar addict.
Hugs and High Fives,
Jenn
Check out our family’s adventures at New School Nomads as we take a year long (or more) road trip through the United States!
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This is my (almost) sane quest for insane health. Let's 
Sugar is so addictive, and it’s not until you stop eating it and then get sucked back in that you realize it. It happens to me all the time. If I have a treat, I want another one the next day, and then two the day after. My life is controlled by a big monster in my brain that I must appease with sugar. Thanksgiving wasn’t terrible, but even a little bit leads to a headache and cravings for more. The last week has been almost sugar free (a client brought me some amazing cookies and I was really hungry…). Thankfully, the longer I go without the sugar, the easier it gets!
Thank you Elisha for sharing your experience. It really helps me to not feel so alone or crazy. :
Hi Jen – it’s so hard when we think we’ve conquered something only to have it show up again later. Karly at Firstourselves.com does a lot with avoiding sugar. Her site might be something you’d like to take a look at, if only to have someone understand what you are going through. I’ve gotten a lot of help from her on body image issues and issues with emotional eating and she is so caring and really just an amazing person. I hope you’ll get some use from her site. Sorry for the unsolicited advice – just thought it might help!
You’re right. It is hard. Thank you for the link. I spent some time this morning reading her site and you’re right she is very kind and caring. I’m sure I will be visiting it again. Never apologize for unsolicited advice. I’m all ears!
Hello my friend … I truly think you have to take it one day at a time. I’ve been going downhill since the day after Thanksgiving and I woke up today thinking, ‘that’s it, I’M back in control now”. Just wanted to tell you so you know you’re not alone. And I do feel a little guilt for the pumpkin pie for breakfast part – hope I didn’t start that idea :-/ Thinking of you. Stay strong. xoxo
NOOOO you didn’t start the idea…Brent did last week! 😉 You are so right one day at a time. Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone. We can climb this “hill” together! xoxo
this is something i struggle with CONSTANTLY. I’ve never been able to get it under control and I know it’s destroying my body. If there was a rehab facility for sugar, I’d be the first one in line!!
Until I cut you in line! 😉 xoxo
I have a similar experience with the creeping desire for treats. In the summer I was doing great, using fruit to curb my desire for something sweet. But lately, I am definitely having multiple sugary treats a day, and it’s not helping me to achieve my goals. Thanks to Jenn and others for reminding me that I’m not alone and that I *can* get back to where I was!!
Yes, WE can! xoxo
Let’s do it!! <3
Darn it. I know you were hoping that it was just a weird fluke about the sugar and that maybe the ‘addiction’ was behind you. But I suppose that it’s better to find out now, early, before you do too much damage to your psyche (which is even more important than your wardrobe). I guess the answer is to go back to what you were doing, although it’s probably harder now that you’re on the road. But seriously you did it for 3 yrs, you can definitely do it again.
And what’s with those ‘evil’ scouts?? 😉 The boy scouts with (what what??) chocolate popcorn?? (I’ve never heard of that!??) and the girl scouts with their thin mints and tagalogs. crazy, crack-infused treats. Hugs to you my friend.
Thank you Debs for your kind, thoughtful, and encouraging words. You’re support means so much.
That chocolate popcorn? Simply seductively delicious. (I sound like a cheesy ad.)
xoxo
I am one of your readers who understands the battle you are facing with sugar. I too am a sugar addict. The thing is, I am also a recovering alcoholic so as I battle sugar others who have battled alcohol think, it is just sugar, it isn’t like you are drinking again. But the battle is just as real. And I too have tried to think, maybe it isn’t as bad as I think, maybe I can do moderation. But just like if I take one drink I will only be a short matter of time before I spiral out of control again, it is the same with one cookie.
Your battle, your struggles, your journey, your WINS – these are things that have inspired me since back when you were “competing to lose” – I have read with you through many of the challenges and successes you have been through. And THIS too, you can win. One day at a time.
He Chessi! Wow I’m humbled you’ve been reading since I was “competing to lose”. Wow. Thank you for commenting and offering your perspective as a recovering alcoholic. I always feel a little weird comparing the two because I don’t want to trivialize alcohol addiction but it seems to me that the two must be very similar and hearing from you that they are is helpful. Thank you for your encouragement and for sharing my journey with me. (((hugs)))
Sending you a BIG HUG!!!
I imagine always being in a different place, shopping in different stores, having a tiny kitchen (well, I have that and I live in a house! 😉 ) very difficult at times. And I can totally see that it may throw my eating off and that I may go places I shouldn’t… I’m a stress eater, and even now it’s easy for me to fall back into bad patterns… But as Deb pointed out, you can do what works for you again. You did it for three years. You are aware of the problem, and you know what will work for you again!
Thank you, Andrea. I’m so grateful for your support and encouragement. I think you may be onto something linking my food struggles with all the changes I’ve been going through. There must be some connection. xoxo
Thanks so much for sharing this post. I can totally relate to your feelings of being out of control. I have struggled with my will power since I can remember, never totally able to free myself from food cravings. My weakness is high-fat foods like peanut butter. I found moderation just doesn’t exist! My fiance has found me sitting on the couch with a spoon and the entire jar, no matter how many times I say, “this is the last spoonful.” I admire your commitment and willingness to accept yourself as human. I can’t imagine going 3 years without sugar! That’s amazing. Don’t get hung up on the past few slips, you know what you’re capable of
Thank YOU for your encouragement. After reading the comments I’m feeling stronger already. It’s amazing what the support of others can do for us. Oh…..peanut butter. LOVE it and yes I’ve been there too. 😉
Oh Jenn! I totally 100% understand this. I’m the same way and I totally believe I’m a sugar addict in every sad sense of the word. I don’t have any advice for you – I too do best when I avoid it and I too have problems falling off the wagon – but you have all my sympathy. And when you do figure this out, please tell me the secret!
P.S. I’ve often thought that sugar is a particularly hard addiction to break because a) it’s legal and b) it is everywhere. Every occasion, every age, every place – it’s nearly unavoidable.
Thank you Charlotte. I absolutely agree with you about sugar being everywhere and being legal. On top of it, people think you’re nuts or a weirdo if you choose to avoid it. Ugh. Dang, sugar pushers.
I admire you for giving it up for 4 years!! I’m such a candy addict!! Cake, cookies, pie, soda, juices, etc I can pass on, but put a bag of gummy bears in front of me and they will be GONE! I’ve been “trying” to eat dried apples or other fruit when I get my sugar cravings. At least it’s a more natural source of sugar, yet still sugar…
Thank you Rebecca. I’ve done and and felt the same way about dried fruit. Yes, it’s still sugar but at least there are nutrients!
Jenn.
a sugar addict
I read this. Waited 24 hours and read this again. I dont know how you heard my scream of “WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME??!” but you did. I too swore off sugar and then …. someone brings cookies to the office….then a few hershey kisses…then i get the genius idea to make my own cookies… completely forgetting that i had a cookie already and it was 6 short hours ago.
All that being said – its the feeling of being out of control. Being a coach I sometimes feel that I am not allowed to experience anything like this – let alone admit it!!!!!
Thank you so much for this.
Hi, my name is Rhiannon and I WAS,
Thank you, Rhiannon, for reminding me I’m not alone. Sugar is SUCH a slippery slope. You make a really good point about being “a coach”. It’s so true. I feel the same way but have to remind myself I am human. xoxo
Hey Jen, This is an area where you and me are so similar. I have once again given up sugar and am amazed at how much better I feel. I, similar to you, have no moderation and can seem to only handle it all or none. I will say I am in love with Palm Sugar right now and that helps me without causing the crazies. I love your honesty and the beautiful way you say things. I wish I had more time with you when we were in Ventura, but admire your trip and am grateful for the internet.
My name is Lindsey and I am a sugar addict. (Been clean 70 plus days :-))
Thank you Lindsey. Congratulations on 70 plus days clean! That’s impressive. I’ve never tried palm sugar. I must check it out. xoxo
Wow, this post really resonated with me. Right down to the sugar drip line and the secret eating. There’s something about sugar that just takes over will power and rational thought in one fell swoop.
I’m impressed you gave it up for three years. I know you can get back to a happy place without sugar. But thank you for sharing your human-ness here. I relate to the fiending all too much.
Thank you for commenting reminding me I’m not alone.
I completely know what you mean – and feel so much the same way! About a year ago I made the decision to try to eat “like a normal person,” with allowing myself to have some deep-fried or sugary or salty foods etc, but I turned into a crazy person over it. I’ve gained far too much weight over the past year and I HATE that feeling of being out of control (and, of course, eating foods that don’t fit with my food philosophies).
That’s why I’m doing my Ultimate Nutrition Challenge for 2012… I think that doing a different type of healthy way of eating every month will be a good way to get back on track. But it’s good to go through these things, because like you said – it reminds us that we’re still human. It teaches us humility!
Your Ultimate Nutrition Challenge sounds fabulous!!! What a great way to keep things interesting!!! Love it!
Im so late to everything these days with the holidays and family who seem not to have any plans to return to their home state (LOVE YOU SIS! :)).
you are human.
this we always forgive.
I wish youd come and sat on my couch with me
I wanted so badly to come over. Too bad we couldn’t get out schedules to align. Next time!
Jenn, I’m so glad you shared this and so many readers responded. After we came back from a particularly stressful vacation in August, I had an epiphany that I was done with sugary sweet drinks. For about a month it was no struggle at all. My appearance changed for the better and I felt great, and it seemed so easy, like the universe had aligned. Then one morning I went thru the mcd’s drive thru and got a coke. The old habit just jumped up and ensnared me. I don’t understand why something that I know doesn’t support my health in any way at all has such a hold over me, and sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who struggles. Thanks for sharing.
You explained my experience exactly. Thank YOU for reminding me I’m not alone.
My eating disorder therapist asks me on a weekly basis “but can you truly live without carbs for the rest of your life” and every time I answer “yes, I would love to do this” but then we both laugh awkwardly and say “why that’s ridiculous!” but…I actually mean it. Great post!
Thank you. I go back and forth on that decision all the time. I really believed I could live without refined sugar for the rest of my life and I think going for almost 4 years without it made me “ridiculously confident” ha ha! Thanks for sharing and wishing you the best on your journey.
Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You a hundred billion times. I ask myself every day, “why can’t I just quit eating sugar?”. The longest I’ve made it is 3 weeks. And then I thought I would have just one gluten free pop tart. And then I ate the whole box. And then I ate rice krispie treats. At least 10 of them. But I was sneaky so no one knew it was me. When I feel sick, sugar makes me feel better. I have issues with candida and immune problems as well – sugar is horrible for me. But I just cant quit. I’m trying. So thank you for this. I wish you all the luck. You are amazing and strong!
Thank you for commenting. It’s always nice to know I’m not alone with my struggle. I think 3 weeks is pretty impressive!!