Hard to Balance
This morning I lay in bed wondering about the state of my immune system and pancreas.
That’s what most people think about upon waking, no?
Since moving into an RV and hitting the road many things have changed. I wake up to different surrounding almost every day. I have a small refrigerator. I have about a foot of space between my bed and my closet. I drive a truck. I don’t shop at the same stores every week.
I eat sugar.
White refined sugar.
The sugar I avoided for over 3 years and thought I would avoid for the rest of my life.
It started with the Boys Scouts. The Boy Scouts…who would have thought? Who would have thought their Chocolate Lovers Popcorn would taste so good. I passed off the popcorn as a “super special” occasion. I mean my Boy Scouts only sells popcorn once a year.
Next it was Halloween. I have no clue as to why but on my way by the candy dish I ate a mini Snickers. It was the first piece of real candy I had had since December 2007. Again. I decided, it was just one. Then a few hours later I had some Raisinets. Of all things.
I did some thinking the next few days and decided I was going to try and eat sugar “in moderation” like a “normal” person.
The problem is I don’t respond to sugar like a normal person. I respond like a drug addict. Cravings, eating in secret, hiding evidence, and eating it despite feeling horrible. I’ve not had a full blown binge but I have been eating multiple servings throughout the day, pumpkin pie with breakfast, a cookie after lunch, and ice cream after dinner. I need a sugar drip line straight into the blood stream.
There is no balancing act for me.
I’m not proud.
It’s been showing on my waist but believe it or not that is not what bothers me the most. I’m bothered because I feel out of control. I’m bothered because I eat it despite waking up every night with pain in my stomach. I’m bothered because sugar is hard on the body. I’m bothered because I’m supporting an industry that I am AGAINST. What we eat is sooooo much more than the size of our pants. Even if I wasn’t an addict I would still have issues with refined sugar as I do with pasteurized milk and factory farms. Food is politics. Food is ethics. Food is freedom.
And I am no longer free.
I’ve wondered about the truth of my sugar addiction from time to time. Is it real? Am I really an addict? If so, you don’t give an addict their drug of choice in moderation. We don’t tell people to shoot heroin in moderation. We don’t tell alcoholics to drink in moderation. But it’s just sugar….
My body responds to sugar like a fiend.
Based on my feelings and actions I’m convinced what I hoped wasn’t true is true.
This has been one heck of a reality check. I’m not mad at myself. I’m not invincible. I don’t have the iron will I thought I had and I’m entirely not sure how much “will” plays a part.
I have much more to say about this and I have two more workouts, Arizona and New Mexico, to share very soon but for now I’ll leave you with this.
Hi my name is Jenn and I’m a sugar addict.
Hugs and High Fives,
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