What does it mean to live? I mean really live?

I’ve been asking myself this question this month as we have been preparing to head west for a spot 10,000 feet above sea level where we will spend the winter snowboarding and freezing our butts off in our RV. 

It’s insane.

For starters, it’s stretching our budget. In order to do this, we are saying no to a lot of things we would like to say yes.

Secondly, we are going to live for three months in our 320 square foot RV with a preteen in weather where the average low is 0°. ZERO. That is insane on more than one level. Mothers of preteens will understand.

Thirdly, I don’t even know how to snowboard.

We spent last winter in Florida. It was wonderful. We swam with manatees, explored empty beaches, experienced romantic island sunsets, and canoed with alligators. We seriously considered this option again and, right now, with my little heater going full blast by my feet I’m thinking we should have considered Florida a little more seriously for this winter.

There are so many reasons why we should be going back to Floria or to our “home” in California this winter.

But if I’ve learned anything living on the road, it’s that I want to live. Really live not just exist.

We lived a lot of our life playing it safe with Brent working in a cubicle and the boys sitting in a classroom while I wasted time on the internet took care of our household duties. Not those things are bad in and of themselves and I certainly don’t want anyone who lives a traditional lifestyle to feel judged. I’m sure someday we will return to a version of that life.

But, for us, going back to Florida or California would have been playing it safe. We didn’t sell our stuff and leave our comfy life in Ventura to play it safe. We left all that stuff to fill our lives with adventure and to really live.

Really living doesn’t mean you have to create a mobile income, sell all your stuff, and hit the road in an RV. Although I highly recommend it.

Really living is living with intention.

Really living is focused on things that matter to you not things that the culture tells you should matter.

12 ways to live. To really live.

1. To really live,  means, for most of us, saying no to some things so you can can yes to other things when making a budget or schedule.

2. To really live, means valuing time and people over money and things.

3. To really live, means facing discomfort and challenges.

4. To really live, means learning new things or being open to new ideas. 

5. To really live, means trusting your gut instinct even if conventional “wisdom” says otherwise.

6. To really live, means developing relationships with people that stretch you.

7. To really live, means doing life and not letting life do you.

8. To really live, means sometimes taking the path less traveled or forging your own.

9. To really live, means shutting out the messages in the media that you are not enough.

10. To really live, means facing our fears and kicking them in the face.

11. To really live, means recognizing a big picture where we aren’t the center.

12. To really live, means realizing we are not in complete control of our lives and going with it.

Going to the mountains in our RV for the winter is hard for a terrified control freak like myself who doesn’t like the cold.

I’m terrified our heater will break and we won’t be able to afford a new one.

I’m terrified of the possibility that my kids may hate me for taking them on the road like gypsies when other kids are hanging out with friends talking about the lastest pop star.

I’m terrified that I’m going to feel trapped and depressed during the long winter nights in our RV.

I’m terrified one of us is going to break a wrist or a tailbone or worse.

Yet even with all my fears lined up, aimed, and ready to fire, I’m running full speed, like Red Rover, straight into the line trusting there are invisible hands to lift us when we fall.

Yes, tomorrow we will pack up those snow chains, pile up the blankets, and grab our helmets to head for a new adventure in the mountains.  

Do you have irrational fears of the cold? Can you snowboard? Any tips to keep me from breaking my neck? What does it mean to you to really live?

Hugs and High Fives,
Jenn

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I’ve been doing some thinking.

Thinking about how this year is going too fast. Wondering if there is a way to slow down time? About our next adventure. Europe possibly? And about how much I’d love a hairless cat.

I’ve also been thinking about something I said a few weeks ago.

“I feel slightly self-conscious filming my videos. As you can see I’m NOT fat but I’m not as lean as I was. People can be really harsh and it makes me nervous especially on YouTube although I haven’t had anyone say anything mean yet.”

Last week, I saw this t-shirt at Disney Hollywood Studios. Here is the complete quote from the Star Wars movie.

“Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship.” – Yoda

“Luminous beings are we”, indeed. We are so much more than our bodies.

I don’t want to care about what others may or may not think, be it positive or negative, about my body. I want to say “this is my body” and own it.

I’m not the strongest. I’m not the leanest. I’m not the fittest. I’m not the most beautiful. I’m not the curviest. I’m not the _____.

But I am ME. I, alone, can be me.

Me. A woman created in the image of God and that is enough. Yes, the Force God is my ally and what a powerful ally I have in this sometimes unfriendly galaxy.

So to those who may judge me on my size.

It matters not.

May the Force be with you.

Hugs and High Fives,
Jenn

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I’ve been feeling a little down and decided I needed a little fun.

And a little exercise.

And a new little workout partner.

You’ll never take me seriously again. Not that you ever did.

Hugs and High Fives,
Jenn

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The tide has come in and I’ve been stuck in the sand.  The current pulls me out to sea.  Grains of sand slip through my fingers as I try to grasp hold . Useless.  So I wait because the tide aways returns me to solid ground.

I look up from my  lonely place and see light.

 
(Source)

Hope.

Beauty.

A world outside myself.

It’s been a long rough week.  I’ll spare you the all-to-common details of the effects of a crappy economy, unwelcomed surprises, insecurities, and my baggage covered in cobwebs.

I’ll just say I’m thankful.

Thankful for cool breezes.

Thankful for Meow Cow’s purr.

Thankful for the strong arms of my husband.

Thankful for tangy glasses of kombucha.

Thankful for children.

Thankful for you.

Yes, life is good.  So very good even when it doesn’t feel it.

(I’m not a teenager in angst.  Really I’m not.)

Have a beautiful weekend.

Hugs and High Fives,
Jenn

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Today while reading about the history of  St. Patrick’s Day with my children, I learned the meaning behind the Irish flag.  The green and the orange symbolize opposing cultures while the white stands for the hope of unity, of peace.

Peace.

In my life there is division.  Two sides of me warring against the other.  I certainly don’t mean to trivialize the tumultuous history of a country nor do I mean to equate my small trials to those of  a nation.

The meaning of the flag simply moved me to a place of personal reflection.  I want to exist in the white, that place of hope.  I want to exist in peace and harmony within myself.  I want to silence the internal conflict, the perfectionism, and the out of reach expectations.  I want to shut the door on the all or nothing thinking that too often dominates my mind.  I want to call for an inner “truce”.

Hope you had a good St. Patrick’s day!  I’m partially Irish and the only thing green I ate was some lettuce.  :-O

Hugs and High Fives,
Jenn

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Feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and sad.

Feeling “mental” despite the perfect weather.

I’d love to take off for the Sequoias today.

Brent working in our “wt” pop-up trailer with Simpler Times, Starbucks, a soda, and a McDonald’s cup.  Ahhh the contradictions.

I’ve never claimed to be perfect.

Instead of running away, I read Picking their Own Fruit from one of my FAVORITE blogs of all time Stuff White People Like and got a good laugh. It’s one of two blogs that after I found it (while searching for the perfect peacoat) I read the ENTIRE thing in two days. Warning: If you don’t like satire you might find it offensive.

(Sigh)

Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I think I’ll put on a padded bra and an A-line dress.

Then I’ll go pick up my veggies from the CSA and try to be grateful for all the blessings I do have in my life.

Hugs and High Fives,
Jenn

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I Almost Punched Her in the Face

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Half Marathon celebration run October ’09 1 year cancer free!

Sue has ran a marathon, jumped from a plane, scaled mountains and overcame breast cancer. All before the young age of 47.  Sue has been married to her husband, her best friend in the world, for 16 years.  They have two teenage sons and never a dull moment.  A music lover, Sue plays the piano, sings, and plays Congas in her church praise band. She is a registered nurse by training but currently she is a stay and home mom studying to become a personal trainer.  Sue also enjoys running, rollerblading, weightlifting, hiking, you name it, if it has to do with fitness or adventure she enjoys it!  I’m honored to share a powerful piece of Sue’s journey as she confronted her lack of self worth and body image issues while battling breast cancer.  Her positive outlook, passion for health and life is contagious.  Be inspired!

Have you always been active?

Yes. As a child, my brother and I would go out on daylong bike rides.  I participated in track in high school. Since graduation and on, physical activity has always played a large part in my life, whether it be biking, running, lifting, or rollerblading.  Physicality has always brought me a lot of pleasure.  I love the way my body feels when I’m doing a challenging physical activity or workout.  I know it sounds funny, but I love to sweat!  I love getting my heart rate up and breathing hard… and feeling those endorphins really kick in.   It’s fun to see what this body is capable of!

How has your approach to health and fitness changed over the years?

I have always been cognizant of good health, but as I watched my dad struggle with heart disease and cancer (largely lifestyle and dietary related), it was just a huge warning signal to me, especially with getting older, just how important good health and nutrition is.  Later, being diagnosed with cancer myself, just further heightened my awareness and dedication to healthful foods and activity. Joining the Spark People community has also really inspired me to develop an even greater knowledge and practice of sound dietary and lifestyle fitness disciplines.

You were diagnosed with cancer in July 08, did you find out through a routine screening or were you experiencing symptoms?

I had no lump.  It was found purely on mammogram.  (I had a “cluster” of microcalcifications, which show up as little white specks on the mammogram.  They can be a normal finding when randomly scattered in the breast – but what cued the radiologist to order a biopsy, was that they were formed in a “cluster”, which is more typical of cancer activity.)  What was SO surprising, was that the prior year, my mammogram was totally clean….then the next year, I had TWO spots of cancer in my right breast.  Fortunately, it was the very earliest stage (Ductul Carcinoma In Situ), which means that it hadn’t spread out of the milk ducts into the surrounding tissue, and when they checked some nodes in my armpit during my later surgery (double mastectomy) they were clean!

What was your first response to your diagnoses?

I was extremely surprised.  I have no breast cancer history in my family.  I had no risk factors for breast cancer (other than having my firstborn after the age of thirty).  I was healthy, active, a non smoker, rarely drank.   It really caught me by surprise.

The whole evaluation process is so long.  With the mammogram, then getting scheduled for a needle biopsy….awaiting those results (they sent my specimen to Mayo clinic for evaluation, because the cell type was so unusual)….then being scheduled for an “excisional biopsy” to get further clarification on whether it had spread into the surrounding tissue…. It took about a month to get the final word on my diagnosis.  In some ways, I was just finally glad to know what we were dealing with.  I was relieved that it was in its earliest stage.  That meant I would not require chemo, since it hadn’t escaped out of the milk duct lining.  I know this is vain, but the thought of losing my hair was very threatening to me.  I was so relieved when that wasn’t going to be in the picture.

What were your treatments?  What was it like going through them?

Because I had two spots in my right breast, and I was small chested, the only real option for me was to have a mastectomy.  Because I also had some “clusters” in the left breast (though they biopsied negative for cancer), I decided to go ahead and have both breasts removed.  I had spoken to a Reach to Recovery Volunteer.  I had talked over the option of just having the right mastectomy, or having both done.  She didn’t advise me, but she offered this perspective: “Never underestimate the peace of mind component.” That clinched the decision for me.  I knew that if I didn’t have the left one taken off too, I would always be wondering “if” and or “when” I would develop cancer in that breast.  Being that I was under the age of 50, and the type of cancer I had was an “aggressive” form, it made total sense to just go ahead and have both done.  I have not regretted that decision once!  I also opted to have reconstructive saline implant surgery, and have been very happy with the outcome.

Do you look at life differently now?  How did it change you?

I do look at life differently.  I’m grateful for the gift to be alive.  I don’t take things for granted anymore.  You always assume you will live to a ripe old age.  Being diagnosed with cancer was a wake up call.

What also was so amazing to me, was that hidden in the breast cancer journey, was SO MANY gems of insight into myself, my past, my body image.  It has also tremendously heightened my appreciation for the depth of relationship I have with my husband….

A lot of change came in my mindset, and my views about being a woman.

I hope your readers won’t mind me being so transparent (but I know we all have struggles that are helped by acknowledgement and openness, for in the sharing of our experiences and struggles, we realize we are not alone…so here goes….)

My early views of my worth as a woman were shaped in large part by my father.  I grew up in a very dysfunctional family.  My father used alcohol and pornography to help deal with the stresses of life.    I never experienced a warm emotional attachment to my father.  I felt invisible to him, and rejected.  Due to finding his huge stash of porn magazines, coupled with his inappropriate lewd comments about women (waitresses, other ladies he’d see out and about), and his poor relationship with my mother — I received a very damaged and marred lens with which to view myself as a young woman and in regards to my body image as well.

The relational turmoil between my parents and his addiction problems had escalated and peaked in my teenage years (when I was going through puberty and forming a lot of personal opinions about what being a woman meant,  etc.).  Sadly, the messages I received growing up, was that a woman’s worth was all about her “outward packaging”, versus that a woman’s true value is about what is in her heart — her personality, what makes her uniquely her.

As a person in my late teens I developed an eating disorder (bulimia).  I think subconsciously was the thought that if I could just be perfect enough outwardly, I would “be enough” to receive the love and affirmation I desperately longed for.  The binging on sweets medicated me and calmed my anxieties, but then the fear of fat kicked in, so I felt compelled to purge.  It became quite a vicious cycle.  It wasn’t until I became a Christian in my mid-twenties, and began to learn about the unconditional love of God (Who I came to understand is my Creator and true Father)  and also went to counseling, that I broke free from those issues…. I began to get healthy in my emotional and relational life.

Though the physical outward binge/purge cycles had ended, the mental thought patterns of food obsession and body perfectionism still clung tenaciously on.

I have to honestly say, that when I had both my breasts removed, and my husband could care less, I saw in a very deep and personal way that I was loved for ME (the true “essence” of who I was….not defined by body mass or tissue amount or lack thereof).  I had known this intellectually, but the stark reality of my body changes, and my husband’s loving acceptance, brought it home in such a deep, emotionally penetrating way.

My husband loved me through every phase.  He helped change my bandages.  He never winced when he saw the scars.  I am so blessed to have a husband like him.  When tears streamed down my face the first time I saw myself flat chested in a t-shirt, he just held me and let me cry, and said he loved me.  It made no difference to him.  This was so healing to me!  It kind’ve made up for all the yucky messages my father inadvertently sent in my childhood and teen years, that it was all about the outward sensual appeal that a woman had to offer.  (I’m not villainizing me father, just telling reality)

Another mental shift came in terms of finding a better balance in my life with the role of fitness and my perception of it. Just prior to my diagnosis, I had been into some SERIOUS weightlifting, and toying with the idea of figure competition.   I still enjoy weightlifting, and I haven’t given up on the idea of figure competition in my future…but what HAS changed, is that I am no longer OBSESSED with it.  Previously, I was obsessed – thoughts regarding food, calories, weight, were constantly on my mind – essentially robbing me of the joy of unconditional love for myself.  I didn’t realize that a lot of my obsession with my body was still tied into the eating disordered thinking – if I could just get my body to be “perfect”, I would be fulfilled, I would feel like I was “enough”, and I would finally find myself worthy of deep self-acceptance and self-worth.

I have now learned that my worth is not in my body perfection, but in who I am as a person.  I can now approach my physical goals with an inner “cheerleader” approach, vs. a “harsh critical taskmaster” approach.  I’m learning to be gentle, and accept slower changes over time.  I’ve dropped the rigidity and pre-eminence of physical fitness trumping my focus on developing an amazingly powerful “love walk” in life, and keeping family and relationships at the forefront.

When I was forced, due to my surgeries, to have to “fast” from my workouts, it gave me time to pray and take a deep hard look at my life.  I learned a lot from the love shown to me during diagnosis and surgeries.  The outpouring of love and cards and meals from my family and friends was so healing.  I realized that it did not matter ONE IOTA what body shape or size of the women that shared their love and support to me.  What mattered was the LOVE that they expressed.  I in turn, could finally see, and apply this to myself.  I did not have to have some rigid self-rejecting attitude toward myself if my body wasn’t “chiseled” or in my estimate of “perfect” shape.  What really mattered to me in my time of need was the love and genuine concern of others.  I realized that what matters to others is not so much how I look on the outside, but is the genuine expression of LOVE I carry in my heart to shower on them.  I think that everyone’s deepest heart’s desire is to be loved, valued, and accepted as they are.

In a nutshell, since coming through and onto the other side of the cancer journey — I am now striving to live life with balance:  Keeping my physical aspirations in line with spiritual growth is key. Am I being healthy in body AND spirit? Along with loving myself through taking care of my physical body, am I challenging my spiritual growth as well by focusing on developing a richer quality of relating and loving others — encouraging others and adding value to others lives?

When I’m on my deathbed, my peace of mind and heart won’t be found in how “chiseled” I was able to make my body look (and what a fleeting attainment that would be, since we all continually decline with age!)…  It is a life lived with RELATIONSHIPS at the forefront, pursuing depth and quality of relationships — with my Lord, myself, and others — that will allow me to rest in the peace and contentment of a life well lived.

What would you say to a woman who is fighting cancer?  Advice or encouragement?  Resources like websites or books?

To a woman fighting cancer… I would say “never give up hope.”  Take advantage of your support network of friends and family.  I actually joined an online community on BreastCancer.org.  It was the most healing community of fellow breast cancer journeymates.  That website has every kind of information from diagnosis through treatment, as well as the discussion boards as well.  Also, a tremendous book is: There’s No Place Like Hope: A Guide to Beating Cancer in Mind-sized Bites by Vickie Girard. She had fourth stage cancer and was told she would die in 3 months.  She lived I believe 9 more years!  She said to never give up hope!!!  Fortunately, with breast cancer advancements, and most cancers being caught so early, a woman’s chance of survival is TREMENDOUS.

Let me put out a HUGE CALL to all women who are 40 and above – GET YOUR YEARLY MAMMOGRAMS!!!

Tell us about the time you went skydiving?

I went skydiving in my early twenties.  You know, the time of life when you are fearless and crazy!  I still would love to do it again.  My youngest son wants to do it with me when he turns eighteen.

I skydived 5 times.  It was SUCH a blast!  There is nothing quite like the thrill and adrenalin rush of dropping out of the airplane, feeling that hollow in the pit of your stomach as you drop 100  feet per second, then feel the sudden lift when that shoot pops open.  The whir of the breeze blowing in my ears as I sailed like a canopy over the landscape was absolutely AMAZING, and oh so fun!

What is your weekly fitness regime like?

I got back into my full fitness routine by January of 09 (after a hiatus of about 6 months). Fortunately, with muscle memory, I was able to get the muscle back pretty quickly.  At the beginning, I resumed with 3x per week full body, interspersed with 3 days cardio, and off on Sunday.

Me after 4 months of getting back into it.  I was SO happy to be lifting again!

Currently I’ve switched to a two day split – two days upper body per week; two of lower body per week; keeping cardio at 3 days a week.

What is your favorite strength training exercise?

Any and all back exercises…particularly lat pull down.  I love the look of a muscular back.  I also love working my shoulders and arms.   I would love to get that really capped look to the shoulders that you see with figure competitors.  I think that looks so amazingly beautiful.

Do you follow a specific diet?  What sort of foods do you eat?

I am a big fan of Tosca Reno and the “eat clean” lifestyle.  I also am a fan of Tom Venuto’s “Burn the fat and feed the muscle”.  Pretty much try to eat good ol’ whole foods, and nix the chips, pop, processed junk.

Does your family share your healthy lifestyle?  Any tips for mothers of teenagers to get them to live a healthy lifestyle?

My family in 08, so my sons are both taller than me now.  I sure do need to get an updated family shot, don’t I!!

Fortunately, my family has willingly adopted the healthy eating (probably because they are forced too, since they eat what I cook!).  My husband very much shares a love for fitness and healthy foods.  We both have a strong family genetic history of heart disease, so that makes us even more diligent in the area of health.  I think it’s hardest on our sons.  They wish we didn’t eat so “healthy”.  They sometimes moan about not having a lot of the junk food in the house.

We make working out a family affair.  We have a home gym.  So my husband, son, and I are pretty much doing some form of exercise in the evenings together.  My youngest son lifts weights with me.

The best tip I have for moms of teenagers, is to set a good example…. Cook nutritious meals, and make sure you example exercise as a fun and normal part of everyday living.  I think a lot more is “caught” than taught.  I’ve always heard that kids when they grow up, typically model the eating behaviors of their parents – so, it’s good to set a good example.

You’ve run marathons and half-marathons right?  What were those like?

My husband and I after finishing the Columbus Marathon.  It was a surreal experience!

My brother in law, who is a veteran of 13 marathons, has always been an inspiration to me.  His repeated example of discipline and passion, his encouragement over the years to “go for it”, planted the initial seed of desire to run a marathon.  Later, the dream was watered by the encouragement of a friend who, approaching forty, had just completed her first marathon.  Her words, “if I can do it, you can too”, clinched it for me.  The largest hurdle in the decision to begin marathon training, was the decision to be willing to take the risk to find out if it I had what it took.  It was a willingness to overcome the fear of failure and challenge my own perceived limits.  In the words of T.S. Elliott, “only those who risk going to far can possibly find out how far they can go.”  I came to the resolve that I would never know what I was capable of, if I was not willing to risk the journey to find out.   As I learned later, the process was just as important, if not moreso, than the actual marathon finish.  For within the training, was the refining of  the character qualities of perseverance, discipline, fortitude, and vision…

The marathon really has been symbolic of my approach to life.  Life is a marathon, not a sprint.  I like to sum up what I learned from my marathon experience, and which applies to any formidable challenge or endeavor:  You will never know how far you can go until you have the courage to take that first step.    You may very well find that you ARE capable of accomplishing what you may have previously only dared to dream!

I recently ran a ½ marathon in October of 09 to celebrate my 1 year anniversary from my mastectomy surgeries.  I felt it was a real energizing statement to myself:  “I’m back.  I’m strong.  I’m ALIVE!”  It was also a run to praise God for bringing me through the cancer journey to full health.

What are your goals for this year?

I’m currently working on getting certified as a Personal Trainer.  That is at the forefront right now in terms of personal goals.  I want to be able to help others achieve their goals and dreams to become the best they can be

How do you feel about getting older?

I celebrate getting older.  I’m thankful for the wisdom that can come with age.  To me, as long as I am growing as a person – becoming more loving and more generous, contributing to others lives, enjoying my life – I feel that just like fine wine, I’m just getting better with time!

To me, it’s a bit sad that our society has such an over emphasis on the outward.  And what’s so wrong with having a few wrinkles?  It makes me crack up to see all the marketing ads talk about “anti-aging” products.  Since when was getting older such a bad thing?  Is there something “anti” about aging?  Some of the most beautiful people I know are some older folks that have lived and loved well – their faces covered with laugh lines, their crows feet show eyes that twinkle with laughter.  I think a woman who is confident and loving radiates an inner beauty that no facial tonic (“hope in a bottle”, I like to call it) or facelift can copy!  So, that’s me on my soap box. Ha!

What are you most proud of?

I am most proud of my growth as a person.  God has given me a tenacious, persistent personality.  He has allowed me to overcome a lot of obstacles, simply because I would not give up.

If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be and why?

I’ve always wanted to visit the Holy Lands and walk where Jesus walked.

Thank you Sue for sharing your life and your heart of perseverance with us.  You are truly and amazing woman and embody the essence of a Girl Hero.  For more on Sue and her lessons learned from her cancer journey plus a great list of motivational quotes visit her Spark page!

If you would be willing to share YOUR story please send me an email or don’t be surprised if you get an email from me.  

Hugs and High Fives,
Jenn

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