I’ve been asking myself that multiple times a day the past week.  I’m going to be honest. Training for my upcoming competition has been very hard and lonely.  Last time I didn’t have a trainer but I did have an accountability partner who was training for the same show.  Heck I even had a gym membership last time that made it easier.  This time it’s been just me, my garage, and the spiders.

And you know what??

I think this is a good thing for me.  If this was easy I wouldn’t be learning as much.  I tend to rely on others for approval and motivation. While I think encouragement from others is a HUGE GIFT from God when it comes down to it I make the choices.  When I lay in bed at night reevaluating how I spent my day it’s the choices I made that will determine how close I come to my goal.  It’s so easy to come up with excuses and justifications.  I’ve been doing that for the last nine weeks.  “I still have time.”  “Tomorrow I will eat perfect.”  “Just one more scoop of peanut butter.”  And on and on.

Well I’m coming clean.  I’ve made too many of these excuses the last 9 weeks and it shows (Particularly in my legs!). Yes, I’ve leaned out a little but I haven’t made the goals I set out to make.  There are going to be consequences.  Nothing tragic except not being able to fit into the two-sizes-too-small pants I bought on sale at Anthropologie.  It’s not about the weight…really it’s not…okay maybe a little.  It’s about keeping my word to myself.  I’ve spent too much of my life “starting tomorrow“.  The consequence is I’ve let a little seed of self-doubt take root and good old Garbage Girl is standing there with the fertilizer. I set a goal and have let the temptation of instant gratification get the best of me more than I care to admit.  I know I will never be perfect and quite honestly “perfection” would be a bit of a bore but so is low-self esteem.

I could quit and hand myself over to Garbage Girl or I can make a choice to keep going.  Quitting would be so easy, as easy as the Taco Bell drive thru.  Or would it???  Garbage Girl packs a pretty mean punch and some of those bruises take a long time to heal.  It’s not about winning.  It’s not even entirely about losing (weight or otherwise).  It’s about following through and not driving thru.

So despite these last 9 weeks I’m giving the next 3 my all.  I’ve been down this bumpy road before and I’m hoping with time I’ll eventually make more right than wrong turns.  I’m not giving up hope that the freshly paved road is just around the bend. As far as the show goes what will be will be but I’ll know I’ve won another personal battle.  And that, my friends, is what this journey is all about.

xoxo
j

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